i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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