Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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