So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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