Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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