guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
