i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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