is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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