for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
