I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
