true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
