So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
