oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
