Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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