the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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