we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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