I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
