So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
