Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
