I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
