i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
