mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
