Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
