the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
