I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
