I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
