I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
