Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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