I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
