if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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