I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This is the high leading the old right now
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
