you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
