When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
