Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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