So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
