My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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