She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
