Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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