is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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