She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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