The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
