She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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