Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
