you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
