oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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