New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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