Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
