I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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