I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
