I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
