No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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