matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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