No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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