I have demons in me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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