Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
