i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
