I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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