I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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