So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
